My December 20th - 23rd, 2016

10:07 AM




Dec 20th, 2016
When I feel all the burdens surrounded me, I need a hug, a hug but continuously.
But somehow I can't see the opportunity beyond of my imagination, I need an escape.
To meet some people, new people, cool people, great people, in person, out there.
Maybe I need to live my dream again and challenge my own limit.

I think I depressed about the facts that happened to my life lately but the problem is, that I don't please anyone to come and caring me. I don't need it literally, but I still need it in my darkest side.

Dec 21st, 2016
I think that I'm very very happy to see you again as a person.
To start another chit-chat, to ask general question about my appearance, I think it is the way to make an ice breaking with me and I would like to say thanks! But, I dunno, why do I only can say a short answer without asking why and how. I lose the valuable opportunity to make a great conversation with you. I'm busy with my forehead while sweating, with my hand while it is getting cold, with my heart rate while it is running rapidly, when I'm in front of you.

To see you in the luncheon time, and witnessed you as our 'priest (?)' on Dhuhr time, and Ashr time are so priceless.

Dec 22nd, 2016
I prepared myself to ask you about mountaineering, the plan, exercise, recommendation, and bla bla bla. when I fulfilled my bottle with some water in pantry. I knew it is the right time to ask you. I knew your pattern, you often arrived at office at 10.30-11.00 and at this time, you will arrive at the second and entering pantry to take a glass. It is the time, and I already here.
If I'm going to kill you, you can call it as pogrom because it already planned.
But, I'm going to love you, so that you can call it as loving you intentionally. (Apa sih, Ni?)

Well, yeah, I prepared myself with all those questions in my mind, but click! when the door has opened and I saw your face there, at the same place with me, holly sh*t. I'm freezing, like a teenager adoring her senior at school.

Maybe today, I would ask you directly or indirectly. I knew, I knew, the unspoken thing will leave a regret someday and I don't want it happened. At least, I can say those magic words before I'm too late.

Dec 23rd, 2016
Last night, I dream about you. So many chances for us to talk. Even in my dream we didn't make any conversation but we communicated thru our gestures. The eyes, the moves, the steps, and bla bla bla.
I always there wherever you are, and so you are. I felt so close with you even with no words.
Suddenly, I found you on the next door of one of my grandma's room, fell asleep alone and I don't want to wake you up. But, in a second, I saw you open your little eyes when I decided to close the door and leave you sleep tightly. Then, I knew, you already knew what I've done. In a second, I'm awake and your little eyes are still on my mind.
Is it only a dream? Yes, it is. So, could it be a real thing? I dunno, but let's hope!

***

Well, maybe sometimes you'll find this childish-teenager ala-ala's part on myself. Actually, this feeling is good for me at this time to convert all those negative vibes and I used to choose to be happy as I am and enjoy every little moment that makes me happy. He doesn't need to know about this, because I don't expect more. He doesn't need to know that he always plays on my mind, because I know he has his own business as to do lists. I don't mind if someday he fell in love to the other one because as I said before, I don't expect more and let he does all the activities as usual without any disturbances. Whether this feeling will be faded away or not, I'm just okay whatever will happen. But, yeah, just enjoy the moment, and hopefully God guide me to the right path.

And for you, whoever, that will be my future one, if you are reading on this article and you realized that this is not you, pleaseee don't be jealous or going angry or judging me. I really hope you can understand that this is the part of my life in the past. And me, the person who's stay with you now, only an ordinary person, as you are, a person who could be so lost. Someday, I'll thank you so much, because you found me, choose me as your last destination, and loving all my flaws as I am today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. :')

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